I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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