The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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