My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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