You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
