I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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