i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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