I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
