She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
