definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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