just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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