You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
