Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
