I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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