It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
