Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
