I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
