awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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