So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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