It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
