Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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