her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize