have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
