why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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