i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
