Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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