guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize