So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize