my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
