Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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