I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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