I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize