My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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