At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize