Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
