All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Help. Why am I so naked?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
