I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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