We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize