Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
