I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
