I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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