I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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