it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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