I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
