today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We're too hungover to prance.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
