checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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