i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
