I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
