I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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