God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
