Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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