Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need a beard to bite.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
