I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
