i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize